UrMomButPrettier

UrMomButPrettier

DISCLAIMER

NSFW This blog contains AWESOMENESS not suitable for anyone under 18, or whiny little bitches. Your mother included. This is my own personal creative content, so if you reuse anything credit me goddammit! Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously here, NOTHING! You have been warned.

Via UrMomButPrettier

12 Fail-Proof Pick-Up Lines

  1. Hey. Nice FACE.
  2. Your earlobes make me all horny inside.
  3. Sorry, I’m a bit lost—what’s the quickest way to your apartment?
  4. The stars say we should FUCK.
  5. Your face is like pizza but HOTTER.
  6. Any bigger and that cock will grow feathers.
  7. I seemed to have misplaced my virginity, wanna lose yours too?
  8. If your face was buttered and slightly salted I would eat it at a cinema.
  9. If your soul was a (wo)men I’d fuck it.
  10. I give nice hand jobs.
  11. There’s more to me than this huge dick.
  12. Smell my finger.
This guy’s pickup lines will melt your FACE OFF! http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_PRpHuPVYLE http://m.youtube.com/watch?list=WLQC3KoAUtihX2UptQwaI2mA&v=6GR1ju1weSE http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G4mDowimrmg

Serious Disease #2

Acute Sugardaddy Syndrome (ASS) is a serious, if not deadly disease prevalent for the last 1,000-2,000 years. It affects heterosexual women ages 20-22, and then again after age 30 when all hope is lost of owning a home or flying to Italy on the weekends.

ASS is nothing to deal with lightly, and can turn sane healthy women into blood hungry, grandpa-chasing savages; or Playboy bunnies. Affected individuals can be seen lurking outside of nursing homes (or volunteering within)! They can be seen wearing their fanciest clothing, waiting alone in a bar whos drinks would take their day’s pay to afford.

These women are on the prowl, and the slightest scent of green will arouse. ASS sufferers should seek help immediately before it is discovered the catalyst of the ASS (the 80yr old millionaire that looks like The Cryptkeeper). And as for those that do NOT want help?—well, I hear Mayor Bloomberg is single. Godspeed!


Let’s Play A LOVE GAME: Online Dating Photos!

1 You must always have at least 1 drugged tiger in your photos. ALWAYS. They’rrre GREAT!

2 Six or more photos, with you looking as drastically different as possible. She won’t think you’re insane, NOOO…

3 Beard it up!! Every respectable women loves a Caveman!

4 Put as many bros as possible in your main pic… Or two hot chicks you wanna screw. Get in line, bitches!

5 STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THE CAMERA AS POSSIBLE…. OR AS CLOSE. Oh, what a sexy cheek he has… ‘LIKE’!

7 Stand at the mirror. Take off your clothes! SNAP! How does it feel?? (Let’s ask D’Angelo.)

8 What better way to show you’re all about committment than your wedding photo??

9 Sex! You, sex, photo! Put your hands in the air while you’re at it! WOO!

10 Buy a flight to Peru and hike to Machu Picchu just to get a Top Notch dating photo! Oh and don’t forget hanging with the orphans in Africa… Never said this was going to be easy.


**I have seen each of these at least once, but most of them repeatedly. And if you found this funny, so have YOU.


Ok Stupid!: Pickup lines in Cyberspace

In a parallel universe, like…CYBERSPACE, the following first messages are highly advantageous at wooing you a new boo-boo. (Getting you laid.)

"Name? Size? Mix?"

"Live alone?"

"My parents want to meet you."

"Do you like music?"

"Do you like food?"

"Do you like marriage?"

"Are you married?"

"You need GREEN; I need a green card"

"Are you pregnant?"

"You look a little pregnant."

"You’re too pretty to be black."

"Drug of choice?"

"Do you like to get JIGGY with it?"

"You are exceptional. Wanna join our threesome?"

"What’s your favorite brand of maxi pads, Kotex?"

"I want to take you OUT… with this baseball bat."

"You’re so clever, I just want to take your brain out and EAT IT"

"Need an incredible lady like you to pay my bail."

"GOD BLESS YOU"


**Wish I could say that these were all fake & were never said to me… But a few are true. Especially the brain eating one. He was a keeper.


"Life is like a box of chocolates, expensive and poisonous for dogs."

-UrMomButPrettier


DISCLAIMER

NSFW This blog contains AWESOMENESS not suitable for anyone under 18, or whiny little bitches. Your mother included. This is my own personal creative content, so if you reuse anything credit me goddammit! Nothing here is meant to be taken seriously here, NOTHING! You have been warned.


Explaining birth to Children—3 options

1 a stork drops one baby off from heaven at the doorstep, (and it just so happens to closely resemble mommy & daddy or else we return it)

2 children are created by God… and stuff.

3 When the man gets tired of jerking off into a sock, and uses mommy’s vagina instead (like a hot dog and it’s roll). Magic milk squirts in like mustard and out poops a baby 9 months later! Less if mommy was on drugs!

…which won’t ever happen again!


Hey, I never said it’d be an easy choice… Flip a coin or something.


Serious Disease #1

CLS, or Co-worker Love (or Lust) Syndrome, is a serious condition that takes over the heart and brain of affected individuals. It afflicts over 76 million people per year; approximately 900,000 per hour. If left undiagnosed, it can spread to the sexual organs, leaving the victim liable to succumb to all sorts of libidinous desires.

This condition is particularly dangerous when either the sufferer and/or his catalyst (co-worker) has IIRS (I’m-In-A-Relationship Syndrome), though statistics show that instances of CLS do not show a significant decrease when IIRS is discovered. 

This syndrome can make workplace relations exceedingly awkward in the coming months (and even land both parties on a trashy daytime talk show). The CLS victim is advised to just “enjoy it while it lasts” and hope that it can de-evolve into what experts call ‘just friends’ territory.

If you become diagnosed with CLS, it is strongly advised not to consume copious amounts of alcohol around catalyst, especially after work hours, as this may result in yet another condition known as Yo No Sé Mañana** (YNSM), in which you must promptly get the fuck out of there because tomorrow, his new plaything will be sprawled out on that bed—Oh, and can you clean the sheets too?


**  ” Yo No Sé Mañana” by Luis Miguel  http://youtu.be/hjTxG-hlcK8?t=1m


Updates, YAY!

1 So I guess I’m a vegan now. 
You’ll see why this is so fucked up in the 1st post.

2 Holy crap! What the hell was I on writing some of this?? Going to go wash my mouth and brain out with soap, respectively.

3I haven’t written a post in ages! Whoops! S**t got REAL!
While I brainstorm new posts, check below for the best.

Witty, Not Shitty:


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